I made a social media gaffe for which I am mostly regretful. I vented something on Google+ about my brother’s style of parenting in one area and didn’t realize he was in one of the circles. So the message, kids, is be careful and post things you would say to the person’s face. This is something I would say to my brother but context is everything and my vent was much more judgmental sounding than I would have been in person.
We all judge. I know I am judged for my choices, like homeschooling. That’s ok; its a very human thing to do. I am confident in my choices and don’t feel slighted by other’s easily. On to the offending comment.
I wondered what the hell people are thinking when they use scare tactics and fear mongering as a parenting tool. My niece wouldn’t go to the park a few houses down with Izzy because there were kidnappers. And when we were walking through a parking lot, the girls ran ahead. When a man was walking to his car, my niece ran screaming and cuddled into me because a stranger was nearby. There were other (non-stranger related) incidents in the day they were here too so anxiety is high in this child.
I wouldn’t have gotten so judgy over that (because I haven’t seen these kids in two years) if I hadn’t remembered the same issues with her older sister and my now ex sister-in-law telling me proudly that she preferred the kids be scared. It would keep them safe. Better to keep them on a short, terrifying leash than risk anything bad happening to them.
And this parenting technique pisses me off! I can’t think of one way that terrifying kids is helpful. Someday they may need help from a stranger and odds are, said stranger will be a lovely person willing to help. Are there people that kidnap and rape children? Of course. Sadly, someone you know is more likely to hurt them. And making kids afraid of ‘strangers’ truly backfires when the savvy bad guys are so adept at making themselves seem kid-friendly. A stranger is someone they don’t know. A guy with a puppy and big smile on his face can break down a child’s barriers and that stranger-phobic kid will walk right into their trap.
I talk to my kids. They know bad things happen. I tell them to stay in groups. We talk about sex education so somebody doesn’t try to take advantage of their naivete. I keep an eye on them. But they are going to need to function in this world and learn to read their own gut. And it is not only my job to raise these kids (hopefully avoiding as many ‘bad’ experiences as possible) but to give them a chance at happiness too. To drown them in fear and angst early on “in case something happens to them” is completely counter-intuitive to how I live my life. I want them to be happy and carefree. They are kids.
This hits really close to the way I was raised and my family dealt with fear through exaggerated concern. Everything was a potential danger. Don’t walk home at night, you’ll get mugged. Don’t take drinks at a bar unless you see it poured…date rape drugs are everywhere. Strangers want to molest you. Open curtains invite thieves to case your home. Planes will crash out of the sky. People on vacations get robbed! People on the internet will track you down and hurt you. Bad things happen all the time, everywhere, and it will probably happen to you unless….
I come from sad, neurotic people who are never happy. But they are “safe”. From what, I don’t know. Certainly not themselves. Fear can be passed down generation to generation. And we live in a world where sensationalizing this crap is quite a lucrative business. Everyone knows someone that had a really bad thing happen to them. Heck, I know over a dozen people personally who have been sexually abused at one point in their life. Do I spend all my time fearing sexual predators? No. There is no point. I can only be vigilant with my safety and hope for the best.
FDR said it best, There is nothing to fear but fear itself. I can’t keep my kids in a bubble. I can’t guarantee that nothing bad will ever happen to them. And I can live with that. The alternative, making us prisoners in our own minds, seems much worse.
